SexDrive

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If we only had the strength of character to break free or say: “No, this is not what I want”. There are millions of people in this world living a life that they don’t want or like. Breaking free takes courage and a track of change to run on, but it’s always possible.

Today it’s less of an issue but years ago people married for far more basic reasons and were much more accepting of each other’s differences, even if they became extreme. In the 1900s to the 40s,50s,60s couples married not really knowing a great deal about their partner. They lived together till death us do part as the ceremony stated, through sickness and health. Sometimes a person’s behaviour was so bad that partners would only stay together for the sake of the children. Then one day something snaps, the children leave home as adults and that suffering partner makes a break for it. There are thousands of stories of mismatched couples spending the greater parts of their lives disliking each other, and what a sad state of affairs. Fortunately, today people no longer have to live like that and can leave and live alone with children in a happier world.

Marriage break-up is never a good thing especially when children are involved. But sadly, when adults break-up they seem to lose all sense of adultness and often start behaving like children, and they commence the bitter fight often involving children. Is a marriage break up a bad thing?
• Currently 42% of marriages end in divorce [ONS]
• Unreasonable behaviour was the most common reason for opposite-sex couples divorcing in 2018, with 51.9% of wives and 36.8% of husbands

Well, the answer is yes and no. If people rush into marriage based upon superficial preferences and the partner’s veneer is strong then why stay together for a lifetime in a marriage in which both partners are miserable? Even more so where children are concerned. Sadly, when relationships start to deteriorate bad emotions come out and adults rarely contain these bad feelings which ultimately pass onto children. So, is it better to have divorced parents living separately who are happy and children have two homes, happy parents, two sets of Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc? Or have two miserable individuals living in a toxic relationship which then passes onto children.

So today choosing the right partner isn’t easy, but if you are more aware of yourself and know what your preferences are, you’re more likely to choose wisely if you can check behind the veneer.

They were a perfect couple what went wrong?

Well, we have all heard this before but in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect model or relationship. From WW2 things have been changing and the reality is there is inequality in all relationships. Someone has to be the boss.

In the past typically men have been the dominant party in relationships. This has been driven by society and a social environment. Things started to change in the early 1900s and it’s been getting stronger and stronger ever since whereby women are taking a more dominant role, and rightly so. Many couples on the face of it look like they are the perfect match, but underneath there is often a dominant partner, and the level of submission determines the level of animosity. In the past women took a more maternal role and that was life then.

Thankfully from the 60s onwards we have seen a changing state. Today there is a more subtle difference in power sharing with people working together. Sadly many women who are in their 80s now have lived in the shadow of a man but endured it for the sake of children. Thankfully today that is no longer the case and women have greater protection, support and freedom.

Who’s in charge?

So, are the best relationships balanced or is it still better to have one dominant and one more submissive? There is no answer. Some people are happy to lead and others to follow. I guess it all depends on whether that relationship has a negative impact on either partner that causes mental health issues.

The reality is there isn’t a pattern for a perfect relationship

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or sex drive. It’s all down to individual choice and preference in life.

The famous quote:

“If I Were Your Wife I’d Put Poison in Your Tea!” “If I Were Your Husband I’d Drink It”
The lady who said that was Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill. She was a perfectly rounded women with opposing views to Churchill.

Some people prefer to live in a partnership of equality, pooling resources and skills to fight life’s battles. Whilst others prefer for someone to take a lead and play a more dominant role. I guess that all depends how strong the dominance is. For example, a changing of personality or character resulting in someone becoming depressed or unhappy is wrong, so it’s very much a balance.

Relationships are what you make them. Maybe today we want everything easy or quick and because we have a throw away culture, we can change the relationship if we don’t like it.

A toxic relationship is a relationship characterised by behaviours on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy.

A healthy relationship involves mutual caring, respect, and compassion, an interest in our partner’s welfare and growth, an ability to share control and decision-making. In short, a shared desire for each other’s happiness. A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure.

A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control. We risk our very being by staying in such a relationship. To say a toxic relationship is dysfunctional is, at best, an understatement.

Here are some of the behaviours that may be found in a toxic partnership:

• Belittler

Someone who constantly belittles you. He or she will make fun of you, essentially implying that pretty much anything you say that expresses your ideas, beliefs, or wants is silly or stupid.

• The Passive Aggressive Bully

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. Passive-aggressive people regularly resist requests or demands from family and other individuals often by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubborn. The Passive Aggressive will not be physically violent but will be verbally destructive.

• The Guilt Tripper

The Guilt Tripper controls by encouraging you to feel guilty any time you do something he or she doesn’t like.

• The Grinder

The Grinder will never let go of anything even the smallest of things. They will talk about it for days, weeks months until you just give in and conform. There may not even be an argument but their strategy is to wear you down until you give in.

• The Manipulator

This character is one of the worst types in a toxic relationship. They will manipulate and use some of the grinding and guilt tripping tactics to get their way. They use belittling and bullying but in a subtle way.

• The User

Users – especially at the beginning of a relationship – often seem to be very nice, courteous, and pleasant individuals. And they are, as long as they’re getting everything they want from you.

• The Possessive

Possessive partners are a nightmare. Some people naively see possessive behaviour is if the person really cares, but it’s not healthy. Possessive want ownership and control and if they feel their ownership has been threatened then things can turn nasty.

There are as many relationship types as there are colours of the rainbow. A good one is when both people grow together, are happy and provide the right type of environment for children to grow up in.

If you’re talking to someone, whether it’s your partner on a train, sharing a car with a colleague or spending time at a party, there are times when you wonder what on earth you’re going to talk about next. there are some tips that can help.  The first set are from Psychology Today, their “Emotion-Focused Couples Communication Program (ECCP)” could have broader applicability to any situation in which you find yourself unable to communicate in ways consistent with your wishes. The next set are things that we have found useful from personal experience.

1. Listen to what the other person is saying. If you’re too focused on what you should say next, you’ll miss opportunities to follow up on good talking points right in front of you.
2. Express yourself openly and honestly. People can sniff out insincerity pretty well, and if you’re covering up, they’ll feel less like confiding in you.
3. Avoid making judgments. No matter whether the person you’re talking to is your romantic partner or a relative stranger, if you come across as judgmental, the other person will feel less like confiding in you.
4. Look for obvious cues as conversation jumping-off points. People you don’t know that well may reveal features about their interests or background just by what they’re wearing.
5. Stay on top of the news, and store some of it away so that you can chat about it later.
6. Come up with an agenda. Just as meetings run more smoothly with a predetermined set of topics, your social conversations could benefit from similar planning.
7. Don’t be scared by silence. A quiet interlude in an otherwise lively conversation doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, or that you’re become uninteresting. Sometimes a little break can give each of you a chance to refocus.
8. Note whether the other person would like to break off the conversation. To be a better conversation partner, you sometimes need to know when to close as well as to open.
9. Be careful about making jokes that will be perceived as insensitive. You and your partner likely have a somewhat broader range of potentially offensive topics that you can openly discuss than you would with someone you hardly know.
10. Use conversations with new people as practice for improving your skills. The ECCP intervention was focused on married couples, but its principles can be translated to a variety of less intense situations.

11. Start with a comfortable subject and observation – like weather or sport – you can move on from the reply in many directions

12. Make a compliment – they flatter and make people warmer, but be specific and don’t be insincere. Talk about why and then you can move on.

13. Ask a favour – a concept from Ben Franklin – this can make a connection – it doesn’t have to be big.

14. Have a ‘fallback topic’, which is ideally something likely to be of interest to most people. Learn a bit about it.

15. Then don’t lecture on it, but ask questions about what the other person / people think about it.

16. Ask questions in general – don’t interrogate people as that’s intimidating, but asking a question is a good way to start a conversation on a topic. Be careful if the response is curt or short – you may be coming across as nosey!

Most marriage guidance blames relationship breakdown on communication. It cannot be just the way people talk to each other but what types of character we are (see the previous points on personality and character).

On top of these issues, are their other issues that we can add to the mix such as infidelity and lying? No matter how hard a person tries to forgive and forget they sometimes can forgive but rarely forget. If you are communicating with a partner with history there can be many prejudices and emotions under the surface that distort what the other person says.

Having a good relationship with open communication takes two people. It requires both to analyse each other’s style and learn to mould around it. What it isn’t is one or the other backing down and remaining passive or subservient to the other. Psychological bullying and verbally beating a person to submission is becoming a major issue. The subservient person not giving in for fear of beating but for the constant argument and abuse over several days until they have given in and agree just to keep the peace.

Often this type of bullying goes unnoticed and is often in the presence of children. It is subtle and children growing in such an environment can also be come bullies.

Below are 6 tips for communicating better in your relationship:
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
2. Pick Up on non-Verbal Cues
3. Don’t Try to Read Their Mind
4. Conversations are a Two-Way Street
5. Make Time to Talk
6. Tell Them What You Need From Them

Courtesy of OneLove